Thursday, 4 July 2013

Does size really matter?



This is a photo of me prior to my first marriage in 1974.  I had just turned nineteen and I weighed 105 pounds.   I did not think I was pretty when I was younger.   Age is a great leveler I think . . . because I look at that now and think I was quite beautiful in many ways . . . I did not eat a lot when I was younger.   You could see the bones at the top of my chest and I liked that . . . I had had a pudgy stage for a couple of years when I was about 13 and so once I lost that extra baby fat, I was determined not to ever be plump again.

Best laid plans . . .



I had had three children by this time and as you can see my youngest was about nine or ten months old.  I was still not a large person and watched my weight very carefully.   In fact I weighed less after I had my second child than I had done before I had gotten pregnant.   I did not have a healthy attitude towards food or pregnancy . . .



This is me after I had my fifth child, about 24 and a half years ago.  He was only about 9 months old.   I was still not large as you can see . . . that did not last.  I had my tubes tied a few months later and quit smoking because my son was Asthmatic.   Quitting smoking was the hardest thing I ever did in my life.   Initially I put on about 15 pounds and so I started smoking again.   Of course the weight did not come off and so I quit again and that time it stuck . . . 24 and a half years later and I still do not smoke . . .

Unfortunately through that time I discovered a whole new woman . . . in fact several new women, and they have all attached themselves to the outside of my body.  Year after year, layer after layer.



This is me about 13 years ago now.   I am a lot larger than I was when I was 34, but still not bad.   I am ashamed to say that I weigh even more than that now.

The past twenty four years have been a battle of wills and weights . . . I have come to discover that I am really good at taking weight off, but I am even better at putting it back on and at the end of every successful diet I end up larger than before.

I have tried every diet under the sun and they work for a time, but I really think there is a reason that the word diet begins with the word "die," because every time I go on a diet a little bit of me dies . . . because I fail in the long run.   Every.   Single.  Time.

I have tried hypnotherapy and that has worked really well . . . three times to be exact.   But once again, the weight has always come back on after a time, and I have ended up weighing more than ever.



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This is me a couple of months ago when I was home to Canada in April/May of this year.  This was April 21st to be exact.   As you can see I am larger than ever and it gets me down.

I love food.   I love cooking it.   I love feeding my friends and loved ones.   I love reading about it.  I love watching food television.   I love cookbooks.   I love eating it . . . oh boy do I love eating it.

I have an unhealthy attitude towards food.    I am almost always hungry.   I know all of the ins and outs of good nutrition, and can tell you almost anything you need to know about dieting and healthy diets . . . I am a total failure when it comes to putting all of my knowledge into practice . . .

I need to lose at least fifty pounds if not more.   I have high blood pressure for which I have been on medication since I was forty years old.  I will never come off that.   I am on high cholesterol medication, which I also will probably not come off.   I have osteo arthritis in my back, hips and knees . . . which I know is exacerbated by the extra weight that I carry.   There are no two ways about it.  I need to lose weight.

It is killing me.  I need help.  Now.  Before I have type 2 diabetes.  Before I have a heart attack and die prematurely.   I do not like feeling weak and powerless.   I am not weak and powerless.

There is an addiction program at our church on Thursday evenings.  I think I need to go and sign up because I am addicted.  Enough is enough.   Maybe God can help me . . .

Size does matter . . . when it comes down to being healthy, and I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.



Wednesday, 3 July 2013

In The Quiet Heart Is Hidden

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In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can't see.
Who am I to judge another?
Lord, I would follow thee.

~LDS Hymn Book, Lord I would Follow Thee

 One thing which I really struggle with, and which has been a particular heartache for me over these past fourteen years or so is the way in which I have been judged and found wanting by the very people who should know better and who should have known me better.  Sometimes the people who are supposed to love you are the ones who hurt you the most, and who are the most unforgiving and most judgemental.

There are two sides to every story and if you only ever listen to one side, you only really know one half of the story.  Just because you haven't been told the other side . . . doesn't make it a lie, anymore than having been told the one side makes it the truth.  Things happen for a variety of reasons.  

I think we need to trust each other, especially if we purpote to love each other.   Why does there have to be a right and a wrong in every story.